Birds of a feather: What we know about the friendships between neurodivergent people
If you or someone you love has a neurodevelopmental condition such as autism or ADHD, you’re likely to be aware of some of the common barriers to close and long-lasting relationships that people experience. This perception of neurodivergence may feel discouraging but, as we are seeing more in shared experiences online through social media, meaningful friendships and relationships between those with the conditions are becoming more prevalent as more people are being diagnosed and later in life.
As we approach International Day of Friendship, we wanted to look at both the important impact of close friendships and the experiences of those finding them in neurodivergent communities. Not only is this a message of hope for those who worry about making friends, but an opportunity for reflection on those we appreciate most in our lives.
Table of contents
Why is friendship so important?
Friendship plays a vital role in our mental and physical wellbeing, with high-quality friendships linked to lower levels of depression, reduced loneliness, and greater life satisfaction across all ages. A systematic review of 43 global studies found consistent associations between strong peer relationships and positive mental health outcomes in adolescents, while a review of another 38 global studies showed that adult friendship quality and social interaction predict wellbeing even decades later.
Social connection has also been shown to improve physical health markers such as cardiovascular outcomes, blood sugar control, and cancer survival, while social isolation can increase depressive symptoms and mortality risk. These findings highlight that friendships are not just emotionally fulfilling—they are essential to our overall health.
The unique value of friendship for neurodivergent people
For neurodivergent people, who may experience social interaction differently or face barriers to traditional social settings, friendship can offer both protective and empowering effects. Although mainstream mental health interventions often overlook peer-based support, research highlights the untapped potential of friendships as an informal, yet powerful, mental health resource.
Friend-based interventions show promise in improving mental health literacy, encouraging help-seeking behaviour, and strengthening adolescents' confidence to support one another, especially during crises or transitional life stages. These interventions recognise that friends often serve as the first line of emotional support, particularly for neurodivergent people who may be more hesitant to seek formal help.
What barriers to friendship can neurodivergent people face?
Neurodivergent people may face barriers when it comes to building and maintaining friendships, which can make social connection more challenging despite its importance to wellbeing. These barriers are often rooted in differences in communication styles, sensory sensitivities, and social expectations that don’t always align with neurotypical ‘norms’. Common barriers include:
- Social communication differences: Difficulty understanding social cues and body language
- Sensory sensitivities: Environments that are too loud, bright, or crowded may be overwhelming, making it harder to engage in typical social settings.
- Masking and exhaustion: Constantly adapting to fit neurotypical expectations can be draining, leading to social burnout and withdrawal.
- Inconsistent social energy: Some neurodivergent people may need more downtime between interactions, which can be misread as disinterest.
- Previous experiences of rejection or bullying: Negative social experiences can cause anxiety and fear around forming new connections.
- Rigid routines or preferences: Difficulty with flexibility or change can make spontaneous socialising harder.
Why do neurodiverse friendships appear to be so common?
Neurodivergent people often find friendship with others who are also neurodivergent due to a strong tendency toward homophily - the preference for social bonds with those who are similar in behaviour, values, or cognitive style. Research has consistently shown that humans expect behavioural similarity among friends and are more likely to trust or connect with those whose behaviours mirror their own. This is especially true for neurodivergent people, who may share unique ways of perceiving, interpreting, and reacting to the world. The ease and comfort that come from shared cognitive styles can create predictability in social interactions, making communication feel less difficult and more authentic. This sense of mutual understanding can be particularly valuable for neurodivergent people, who can face challenges when navigating neurotypical social norms.
Additionally, studies show that we’re naturally attracted to others who reflect our ideals or mental traits, rather than just surface-level similarities, and this can even extend to the neurological level. Evidence from fMRI studies reveal that friends exhibit strikingly similar brain responses when watching videos, indicating deeply aligned ways of experiencing the world. These neural similarities often matter more than shared demographics and can even predict how closely people are connected within their social network.
For neurodivergent people, whose experiences may be shaped by atypical processing, such alignment can lead to a more intuitive and affirming social bond. In essence, these findings suggest that the friendships neurodivergent people form with each other are grounded in shared patterns of thought and emotion, which create trust, reduce the social burden of masking, and promote genuine connection.
What does lived experience of neurodiverse friendships look like?
While studies can explain the cause of the closeness felt between neurodivergent people, nothing is more powerful than the words of those who have found these friendships. We asked a focus group of neurodivergent people to talk about their relationships with other neurodivergent people ahead of International Day of Friendship for better insight, and below is what they had to say:
‘Meeting my best friend in college was like experiencing real friendship for the first time. We’re platonic soulmates. She always just gets it (whether it’s a new interest or a niche perspective I have), we’re always on the same page, and being around her just recharges me. It’s never hard work. I don’t really know the person I’d be without her, but I don’t think I’d like myself as much as I do since she’s been around.’
‘Making friends with other autistic adults has been a game changer for my mental health. I can say what I need to say clearly and directly and be understood. I can set boundaries with my time and energy and not feel like a burden. I can be open about my thoughts and feelings about things and feel like I'm not alone when other people share similar life experiences. Having the same neurotype as someone doesn’t necessarily mean you have things in common because all autistic people are different. But opening up and sharing that experience can help you make new connections and learn how to be a good friend with the capacity and the strengths that you have.’
‘My neurodivergent group of friends are my safe space. We go out together like most, but I love our downtime together too. We can sit in a room in complete silence all doing our own thing or spend hours talking about a million things without coming up for air, it’s perfect balance. No emotion is too big, and no excuse or explanation is too vague for them. Plus, we never argue about what we want to eat or what show to watch.’
‘Sometimes I felt like I was moving at a completely different pace to everyone else, like I was blurred to them while they were perfectly still and normal. He and I move at the same speed and it’s the first time I’ve experienced feeling solid and seen clearly.’
Why this matters to us
As a leading provider in ADHD and Autism support, we pride ourselves on our expertise on neurodevelopmental conditions. Part of this is educating people on the experiences of their conditions that they may need support with, but we also believe in highlighting the joys that come with a unique way of experiencing the world. It can be easy, with the insight we have on communication and relationship challenges for neurodivergent people, to worry about what this means for yourself or a loved one. But there is hope.
Our evidence-based approach to care isn’t just about studies, but also about the successes we see patients experience every day. Only by sharing a complete picture of neurodevelopmental conditions can we reduce the stigma surrounding diagnosis.
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Clinically reviewed
- Leanne Cooper-Brown